I've bet you have had teachers you have liked and those that you haven’t, but have
you ever had a teacher that made you feel like you did something wrong, that
you weren't good enough to breath the same air as the rest of the class? Can
you even you even remember your first grade teacher or maybe even your second
grade? Have you ever had a feeling of wanting to just releasing all your pain
into something, to confide all of that feeling you have in? I remember. Her name was Mrs. Gradell.
When
I try to look back at my first grade year I see a room, but I can’t make out
what is in the room; it’s just a blur in my mind, but I can see her. I can see
her like it was yesterday. Her icy stare, the paleness of her skin, the graying of her hair, the aging of her skin that time has taken its toll on her, the
stress you could see on her face. I can hear her voice echoing words that I did
not know, but to a first grader they left an imprint; but I had known it wasn't nice.
I
started going in and out of reality, into the land of what it means to be not
wanted by your class, by life, this started to change me. It changed me
forever, always doubting myself, if I did it write, acting out against the
people I loved and cared about, thinking there is no one out there that will
show me any kindness that a child needs.
As
time went by I began to die slowly on the inside, as I doubted myself more and
more going to a place of no return. You could ask how a child could know what
it feels like to die on the inside, but there is nothing that I could say to
put what I felt then. I acted like every other child in the world, I seemed
happy on the outside but deep down within myself, I would ask will I ever be
alive again, will the child I once was be reborn, and will I be free of the
pain that she had caused for so long? I had changed, but not for the best… but
for the worst.
I
wore a mask to hide my true feelings from those around me and it did work, for
a time. I may have only been with her for a year or two, but it was long enough
that I changed. I changed into someone that I could not say was the same little
girl I had started out as in her class. I could understand that I was
different, we all were, that I had a few problems, but didn't we all, so what
made me so different, I was like the rest of the class, I liked playing games,
I loved recess, I could count and read; somewhat, but I was like everyone else.
I was just a child. She did teach me something, but what was that something,
well I remember it to this very day, if you say your fine then they will leave
you be, and very soon after you have said this enough you will believe it to.
It
took me years to learn that I can’t keep hiding from my past, that it will always
be there, that the scabs of the words are there and will always be there, but I
needed to heal. I had to tell myself that she was just one teacher, one person.
I had to stop hiding, stop pushing people away from me so that I wouldn't get
hurt, but I didn't know that I had been hurting others with pushing them away,
not letting anyone get close to me, I didn't want them to know about my past,
about where I had gone to school, about the teacher that changed me. I couldn't talk about her, I didn't want to, I wanted to hide from it; I didn't want to
admit that she, Mrs. Gradell, affected me.
At
one point I had hated her, Mrs. Gradell for a very long time, but now I don’t,
I don’t really feel much towards her. My family can hate her but I must move
on, they don’t know what I went through and I don’t expect them to know. I
understand that she didn't know how to deal with someone like me, she didn't know me, and she didn't know the person I would have become. She made me who I
am today. I am stronger; I am more of a leader, now I know what I am to do on
this planet. That she was just a step, an obstacle to overcome in my life. She didn't need to know that I am different, that I’m not a good speller; that I
get over emotional about things, but that’s just what makes me who I am. I love myself, my life ,friends, teachers,
family, and yes Mrs. Gradell; for without her I wouldn't have been the person I
am today, I can’t let the words she said get in my way anymore, what she said
is not true.
I
realize now that what she did was bully me and I had let her bully me for year,
I want to be a better person; I want to be a hero. I want to join the fight for
what is right. She has helped me understand that I want to help others, I want
to fight for what is right, I want to bullying to end, I want others to feel
the same way I do but I know that everyone is different. I don’t know when I
started to think this way but I know that it had to do with seeing someone bullied
right in front of me I knew how it felt I wanted to help, I wanted them to
fight for their life. I have changed from being an innocent little girl to
nothing but an empty shell to a blooming young lady. I have changed many times
and I probably will continue to change but it will always be moving forward. I
want to move forward I’m tired of carrying my burden around my everlasting
secrete that will still remain with me always be apart because it is me it is a
part of my story, just one chapter in my life.
I
know that she is just one person in my life but she is one of the most important
people there is, even if she had hurt me, she is still important to me. Some
may think it crazy but I kind of look up to her but want to be better. This is
my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.
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